Monday, November 24, 2014

All I Know

I tried to write my three pages this morning, but all I can think of is the meeting with the Psychiatrist. I've made several trips to the bathroom, so admittedly, I'm nervous. OK, very nervous.

Roxie is feeling good this morning. She's been feeling better lately (the pain medication worked miraculously), so we tackled some of the projects around her house over the weekend while we waited for today.

I'm sure you will be anxious to hear how things go with the meeting this morning or what the plan will be, but I pray to be on the road after the meeting. I'm definitely ready to go home. Very ready. And, I need to go home.

I have to work Tuesday and Wednesday. Then, it's Turkey Day!!! So, we will be very busy, but I promise to post an update as soon as I can.

All I can do this morning is repeat the verses (in prayer) from the past couple days. That, and pray that my son's desire to get help will be stronger than his fears. There has been enough pain and enough torture. That's all I know.


Sunday, November 23, 2014

Gotta Want It!

Perhaps honesty scares you, because you don't know why you do what makes you feel guilty or ashamed. You fear that people will find out that you have a problem and know something is wrong with you. You fear they will judge you and condemn you. After all, you already feel condemned.

That's another thing Jesus did (and does). He met with the woman at the well. We know from the account that she had multiple husbands and that she was a loner. She came to the well at a time when she knew the other women wouldn't be there. I can imagine that she was destined to always be ostracized, shamed and scorned. She had to come to the point where, I'm sure, she wondered if anything would ever be any different or if anyone could ever make a difference in her life. Wasn't that what she was searching for? Someone to soothe her wandering heart? A Savior*? 

Bam. Jesus knew. Jesus was waiting for her. He sought her out. He waited just for her. At the right time, she came. He knew how to open her heart ever so carefully, yet He honed in and quickly cracked it open. 

She marveled. Wasn't he going to condemn her too? Wasn't He going to ostracize or at least call her names if not spit on her? She had been bullied all her life, or as long as she could remember. For her race, for being a woman, for being divorced, for not being married and for a lot of things in between.

But, Jesus came to her. He spoke to her. He seized the opportunity and because He touched her wounds, the whole village experienced the power of Christ.

Wouldn't that be awesome? That's the power of redemption, of restoration. People will see it and marvel. People will want it too.You know the saying, "Gotta Want It!"


The woman at the well:  http://www.biblestudytools.com/nlt/john/passage.aspx?q=john+4:4-30

*A person who saves someone or something (especially a country or cause) from danger, a knight in shining armor, a rescuer. a Good Samaritan.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Just As I Am

Today, while writing morning pages, I wrote that I am hoping for deliverance and transformation. Do you know that you CAN'T clean up after your own sins? Do you know that God wants you to ask Him for help. Do you know that God doesn't expect you to try to make yourself "good enough" to go to Him to clean up the mess you've made?

Just As I Am* (you know the song?) means just that. Jesus did it. Jesus still does it. It's His job to transform us. It's His job to change our desires, our habits, our focus. It's His job to heal our hurts which removes the need for pain management. Maybe it's better to be desperate because there's no mistaking our need for salvation. Those who seem to have a happy little life might have no way of knowing that "we" don't brush ourselves off to go to God. Rather, we go to God to brush ourselves off.

The Good Samaritan is the story of how God does this. It is His story of what He does. He sees us wounded, crippled and dying. He does not pass us by. He reaches out and finds the wounded, those who are desperately broken and unable to even get up much less walk. Jesus washes our wounds, puts soothing ointment on them and covers them with fresh linens, then He picks us up and carries us to safety. The Good Samaritan took the wounded man to a safe home where he could heal.

Read the story for yourself at: http://www.biblestudytools.com/luke/passage.aspx?q=luke+10:30-37
OK, in this story, He is telling that He expects us to be Good Samaritans as well, but we can only do that when we receive His healing.

*  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBDu94k7flU (Instrumental)

*  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUK6P_QmGjM (Choral singers with words posted)

It's good to know that He calls us (me and you) to come, Just As I Am!


Friday, November 21, 2014

He Will Rise!

It's too much. I can't bear it. The punishment (for my sin) is too great for me and I can't stand it.

Have you ever felt that way? Like the consequences of your bad choices have resulted in more sadness and difficulty than you ever thought possible and the realization is unbearable?

I felt this way last night and remembered that those words were said by someone else in the Bible. It was Cain after he was punished for killing his brother, Abel. I guess the difference is that Cain wasn't sad that he had killed his brother, but only sad for the harsh reality of his punishment.

For me? I believe that I am truly repentant. I know that we are easily deceived and highly susceptible to sin, especially when in a weakened state, similar to how difficult it is to handle life when you are overly hungry or tired. 

So, before I went to bed last night, I just told God how I felt and asked him to remove the pain and anxiety if it wasn't mine to bear in order that I might sleep more peacefully. It worked so well that I barely woke up when Roxie's hubby went to work and then when Roxie got up with Ry. It must have been a deep groggy sleep.

This morning while writing and praying, I wrote that the blood of Jesus would cover my son and transform his inner man. Yes, I bow, in worship, to honor The One who is able. The One who conquered Death! Even THIS (my personal murder), Yes. Even This! All praise to the Son. Yes!

In the midst of the depth of my despair, I saw the light. It is Jesus who gives us victory over the sting of sin's power. It is Jesus who bears the weight of the punishment. In the midst of our pain, we can stand in faith, fully assured. Death cannot hold my son! He will rise!

Yep. I will hold onto that vision and continue to pray that he will be restored. He will be strengthened in his inner man. He will be filled with Light to shine in his darkest corners, covered with Jesus and transformed! Yes, he will rise!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Gonna Be All Right!

This morning started out similar to every other morning with stomach pains and diarrhea. Roxie said that she can now understand how granny felt because her whole body hurt. She immersed herself in a tub of Dr. Teal's Epsom Salts. It was very soothing. When she got out of the tub, I sprayed her down with the generic version of Vaseline Spray and Go Moisturizer.

While she was dressing we were sharing tears of how hard having to deal with cancer is and how difficult it is to feel so awful that she can't do anything. It sucks worse than anything ever. We both also kind of wondered if I had sympathy pains for her.

Then she took a pain pill and an anti-anxiety pill, as suggested by her physician. Shortly thereafter, she felt much better. I had started to straighten, dust and vacuum. Before I knew it, she was helping me, and we made some serious headway. It was a huge relief that we found a combination to help relieve the waves of stomach pain.

Again, I hoped that she is not overdoing it, but on the other hand, if it helps her emotionally to feel more productive then it's all good.

Sometime during this afternoon, I missed a phone call. While trying to retrieve my voice message, I discovered a message from my mom. I played it and couldn't hold back the tears. It was so sweet to hear her little voice telling me that she loved me. Roxie asked what it was and I shared it with her. Somehow, it felt like a little voice from heaven telling us, "everything is gonna be all right."